Read Psalm 5
Written by Alyssa, mother of 7, devoted wife to one, who blogs at Resolved2Worship. Borrowed with permission from her candid spiritual journal.
I woke in a fit of self pity this morning. Honestly, I don't like to type that. But honestly, I want to be honest.
But I can't deny the truth - yes, I too am affected by PMS. Ha, I can try super hard and do pretty well covering the affects of my undeniable womanhood but for some reason this time of the month there are two things I struggle most with for just a few days: feeling unappreciated and eating chocolate.
My stomach was cramping, because shoot, after over a decade of pregnancy and nursing... guess what? I actually have a normal cycle. I'm not a moody person, not even much during, ya know, this time of the month. But this morning, for crying out loud (I didn't, but felt like it, crying out loud I mean) I was feeling that unappreciated mommy syndrome.
We women blame a lot of sin on premenstrual tension. Frankly, I think that's lame. I don't like to believe that I could really be affected all that much by something that defines my womanhood so clearly. Not one little bit. That's just a bit humbling to admit or believe.
The first being more difficult to handle.
The second being kind of humorous to me because the rest of the month I don't crave it one little bit, in fact I usually avoid it.
I personally think though that the unappreciated mommy syndrome, though may have something to do with my hormones right now, has a lot more to do with my heart. When I am weaker hormonally I find out sometimes what is really going on deeper below the surface.
"Why do I do what I do?" That's the question I found coming back to me this morning as I was trying to convince myself that getting out of bed was a good idea for today. "For whom do you do it?" That was question number two.
There is something that drives everyone. What is it that drives me? Is there something inside that is merely motivated out of wanting that pat on the back? "Oh Alyssa, you are doin' such a good job!" I'm not saying God hasn't put within each of us to desire appreciation, but is it what drives me and runs my day? Is it what I look for to make my work worth it?
Do I give and do what I do to get something back from my husband and children? Or does unconditional love drive me?
If Jesus and His love isn't what is driving me, then something else is. If it isn't Jesus, then what I am doing is worthless. If Jesus isn't the reason I do what I do as wife and mother, than I'm gonna lose it. I'll have self-pity. I'll be mad. I'll be impatient. I'll be a dork of a mom. And be the kind of wife that drives away her man emotionally, if not in other ways.
What is it that gets me out of bed each morning? It's passion.
But passion for what? Passion for Jesus?
That's what should be getting me out of bed each morning.
It really comes down to what is my idol. What is it that I worship in life? My pastor made a comment that has been going 'round and 'round in my head.
He said, "We're all incurable, ceaseless outpourers of worship. The question is, what is it that we are worshipping? Because if we aren't worshipping God, we will be ceaseless worshippers of someone or something else."
This really hit me. How true! We really are incurable, ceaseless worshippers our whole life long! We're "resolved2worship" alright, but WHAT is it we resolve ourselves to worship... even at times unknowingly, worship? We WILL worship something. But what is it we will choose to worship?
We say as christians that we worship God, but seriously, what is it that drives us? Because what drives us and what we look to for fulfillment is what we worship.
-Is it ourselves?
-our reputation and image - what others think of us?
-our good works and what we do and how we live for God?
-money? materialism? shopping?
Here is test to see what drives us, what we worship: What is it that we run to when we feel empty?
I know that's the best test for me. If I wake up on empty, or even just plain PMSin' it, what and who do I run to to fill that feeling of empty? What and who do I ceaselessly worship day and day out?
I want it to be God.
I want it to be the Creator instead of the created. I don't want to idolize my husband or my children or anything else. If I idolize my husband or children I will ceaselessly pour myself into controlling them to give me a good image and or make me happy.
Since we are all incurable, ceaseless outpourers of worship, may we cry out to God that we be an incurable, ceaseless outpourer of worship to HIM alone. Then there is unconditional love pouring out on those around us.
But, oh heart of mine, God is enough! He alone can take away self-pity on an early Monday morning when I have unappreciated mommy syndrome. He alone can fill the empty. He alone should be the ONE that I have an incurable, ceaseless outpouring of worship towards.
So good morning here on Real Life Monday. God, I come as a incurable, ceaseless worshipper. I am empty. I am moody and I want chocolate fudge. I need You. You alone can satisfy me. You are enough.