This year on Good Friday I found myself in a heap of complaints. What better time to think about myself? My house still hadn't cleaned up itself. My husband travels for weeks at a time for his job. My Mom lives far away in a state where people talk funny. My four year old is going through his weird question stage. My nine month old is just kicking his nursing addiction. The icing on the cake folks, I'm in my first trimester with baby #3. Poor me! I deserve to feel this way. I'm entitled to an enormous pity party where my husband is the guest of honor. Right?
I haven't picked up my bible in weeks. I've deleted every daily devotional from my inbox. I can't remember the last heartfelt time I spent in prayer. I'm just too tired for God.
Hold on a second? What did I just say?
I have been so wrapped up in my own "problems" that my very source of joy has been neglected. I've been trying to do it all myself.
My eyes filled with tears when I opened an e-mail moments ago and found the following verses.
“…all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27).
(That's so weird, I've been under the impression that I control everything.)
“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you”
"Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness."
(1 Timothy 4:7)
He heard me. I wasn't even talking to him and HE HEARD ME. I was too busy complaining to Susie (you caught me, I don't really know a Susie) at the grocery store about my morning sickness to remember to talk to God. I got a subtle reminder that God isn't going to give me anything I can't handle and that I need to pay attention to the beauty around me. He didn't ruthlessly convict me. He didn't sternly direct me to the fact that Jesus died for my sins. He kindly and gently picked me up, dusted me off, and restored my fire. Thanks to him, I can now rejoice in the true meaning of this season rather than focus on my silly issues.
My continued prayer is that we make time for the Lord. The days I feel the best are the days I wake up and have a cup of tea with my Heavenly Father. It's hard to remember that when my alarm is going off at 5:30 and everyone is still sleeping but I must "discipline myself for the purpose of godliness." If I don't feel the Spirit inside of me, it's time to take a good look at what I need to be doing differently. God is always there, but I'm not always searching for him. Thankfully, I found him today. I'm sure my husband is thankful for that too. I'm sure he and God have been having some lengthy conversations about what a pain in the butt I've been.
Written by Ashley, wife to one and mother to two boys and pregnant with baby #3. Ashley blogs at the Ugly Homemaker. Thank you Ashley for sharing your heart with us!